“IF I WERE TO ASK THE QUESTION: “WHAT IS HUMANITY’S MOST SOUGHT AFTER AND CHERISHED CONCERN?” THE ONE COMMON ANSWER, AROUND THE WORLD WOULD BE: “FINDING LOVE & HAPPINESS”.

 I’m Dennis Finnan, host and speaker on the World, the Word & You! Broadcast and in a moment we’ll talk about this common quest and how to gain, keep and recover it in our life and living today. Stay tuned…

… This year my wife and I had the special privilege to see the last of our five children, our youngest son married to a wonderful Christian woman. We attended the wedding and festivities, and discovered anew the joy we both experienced almost forty years ago. The Bride was beautifully dressed in her wedding gown and the groom wore a handsome tuxedo, and the bridal party all rejoiced in the glorious event. Having the privilege to give the happy couple the biblical charge, I was struck by the common joy and happiness that had met its fruition at the altar where a love than began some time ago was sealed in the bonds of holy matrimony. I could see in the bride’s eyes and in my son’s the deeply rooted expectation that this love between them would last forever! Indeed, it is the same in every bride and groom as well. However, reality is within a few years, more than half of those who are married, their love, ‘alas,’ will not last forever and the bonds of matrimony will be severed by divorce. What happens to that which begins so bright and joyful, filled with expectations of happiness and bliss to turn it into broken hearts and shattered dreams? Well today, I want to share with you some thoughts and practical helps about love’s best kept secret. But now, let’s listen to another wonderful moment of music…

…Will our love last forever? I’m sure every couple has thought about that as they walked to the altar to be wed; and the answer is “YES” it can and should! However statistics tells us a small majority of married couples today truly experience wedded bliss throughout their life times. In fact, more than 50% end up in divorce court, bitter and hateful of each other, wishing they had never met. Even worse, if children are involved, this love relationship turned into hate that follows the unhappy couple for the rest of their separated lives. How tragic. Yet I see on bookstore shelves, book after book on “How to have a happy marriage,” written many times by people who have but a few small years of marriage and life themselves. What we need today is experience and example, and words of help from those whose marriages have lasted a lifetime.

In my studies, my own personal married life, and also my counseling as a pastor, I’ve come to learn some basic things that seem to make marriage not only work, but maintain that wedded bliss throughout a lifetime. I want to share this with you now in the hopes that any couple struggling with love and happiness might make some life corrections and return to the path that will make their love, ‘last forever.’ Now this is what I believe is love’s best kept secret. Let’s begin.

First of all, when one contemplates getting married, the idea is always based on one thing – the thought, this action will ultimately bring ‘ME’ personal happiness, joy, satisfaction, and contentment. Now that in itself is not wrong, but it is a very wrong basis to seek a spouse and to expect him or her to remain in love with you.  You see marriage is not something man has made up. It is something designed and ordained by the very Creator God who gave each of us life. The Bible tells us,

Gen 2:19-25 (NIV)  Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 23 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman, ‘ for she was taken out of man.” 24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. 25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

Those last two verses tell us of the origin of matrimony. God designed that the man and the woman to come together, physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually for the totality of their lives and living, and for the express purpose of completing their purpose and place in life. Each was, in effect, to accomplish what I would call -- the first goal for a marriage which last a lifetime with happiness and joy. It is that,

I. MARRIAGE IS A PLACE TO SERVE AND MEET YOUR SPOUSE’S NEEDS

This is so contrary to thinking today. God designed marriage as a place where you enter with the express purpose of serving the other’s unique and special needs. Of course, such a thought is involved in good marriage beginnings because that is what true love really is. Say, who originated love? The answer is God Himself. He is the one who designed the emotion and the action that accompanies it. In fact the Bible tells us, this is one of the divine aspects of God’s very character.

1 John 4:8 (NIV)  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

All humanity is created in His image, although it is now a fallen image nonetheless, we have the ability to display this same characteristic in our lives. But now that we know where love comes from, we need to know what it is. Again the Bible tells us,

John 3:16 (NIV)  “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

In that wonderful verse I love to quote often, we’re told that God’s love was manifested among those who He created. True love, biblical love is a love that constantly “gives” to another its joy, its commitment, its blessings and fruit. So love is an ‘action’ word, not some silly sentimental feeling, although surely that accompanies it most often. Therefore the number one secret to a happy, successful and satisfying marriage is – LOVING SERVANTHOOD. Well, there you have it. This begins at the altar and NEVER ends if it is true unselfish love. In fact, the more a loving heart gives and serves the other mate, the more it find inner satisfaction, and happiness. Remember the word, “happiness” means something wonderful that occurs in circumstances or happenings. You are to create these throughout your married life. Now all too often young men and women enter marriage with the idea that the new spouse will serve them and meet their needs. Unfortunately, the other spouse is thinking the same, and in a short time both become dissatisfied because the other is waiting to be served and neither fulfills the others.

If you want happiness and love to last a lifetime, you must for a lifetime, do everything you can to serve your spouse by meeting his or her needs. I’ve found this to be true in my life as well. Secondly,

II. MARRIAGE IS A PLACE FOR ACCEPTANCE OF WHO EACH IS

So many enter marriage with the idea that their new mate will become the spouse of their dreams. Men and women both idealistically fashion in their fantasy, a spouse who is everything they want. Kind of like going to the store and shopping for the best product that will meet your need. Well I’ve got news for all newly married couples, if you want happiness for the rest of your life – SCRAP THE MAN OR WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS! He or she doesn’t exist! What God has given you and you have chosen to accept at the wedding altar, is the man or woman who will meet your needs just the way he or she is. The truth is when you discover the difference between the husband or wife of your dreams and the real person you are married to, you have to make a choice. Now this is crucial, listen, a choice has to be made by you!

You can continue to measure your spouse by your fantasies, comparing him or her to it, hoping to transform them into it by willpower, coercion, or you can accept him or her as they are and begin to enjoy the adventure of life -- that is getting to know and love that special person you married and learn to accept and appreciate the unique human being they are that God created for you. Yes, this is a most important thing. Happy marriages and love’s best kept secret is SERVANTHOOD and now we see ACCEPTANCE!

But you ask, “ how is this last one accomplished?” Well not by resignation to a life’s sentence, but resolve to make a choice to love that individual with all your heart and mind, and find out all the wonderful characteristics and differences he or she has that can compliment you. Here then are a few ways to do this.

1.      Every day of your married life, begin by making that choice again and again. Say with your heart, mind and will -- Today I am going to live for my spouse to make her or him happy, to fulfill their needs, and to shower them with my undivided love and attention as much as possible. You see such days of bliss soon turn into weeks, and months and years. I can tell you today, I’m more in love with my wife of almost 40 years, which we will celebrate in June of 2005, more in love than ever before, even at the time of our wedding long ago. But that is only possible by the grace of God, and my learning to be her loving servant, and satisfier of her needs. But I know it’s a choice I make each day and will continue to do that till we die. Why? Because I love her!

2.      Make sure you appreciate your spouse for who he or she is. Be fully conscious and recognize her or his worth. Regardless of the weaknesses and failures we see in our mates, realize you are no different. God tells us we are all born sinners. What is a sinner? It is someone who is in rebellion to God’s rulership of their lives. It is selfishness at its corrupt height, and arrogance against anything and anyone who does not serve you. We must realize both mates in every marriage suffer from this malady of existence which God wants to take away if we let Him. Do you appreciate your spouse? If so how do you show him or her? Not just at anniversary time, but every day? You must make your appreciation practical always and in all ways. My wife and I make it a point to accommodate one another’s special desires with an occasional surprise gift or happening. Neither one of us knows when it will come but it comes to us regularly sponsored by the other. It is a fun and joy thing and very satisfying. But more than that. We have learned to look beyond our failures, and even our own moments of selfishness seen in the other realizing we love our spouse because of who they are not what they can or should do.

3.      Always bathe your relationships with one another with kindness, consideration, and above all tangible affection. Yes, you must work at this, but when you do you are rewarded greatly. Now, the last point is vital above all. We must show “affection” to our spouses regularly. It’s never too late to do this in life, even when we grow old. A tender touch, a moment of caress, a soft word of love, and yes even a playful time together. When our children were growing up, my wife and I often presentably but playfully caressed and kissed each other in their presence. At first they blushed but then they said, “There go Mom and Dad again!” How family needs to see love as well as experience it. Don’t wait for the other to do this, you initiate it tenderly, thoughtfully and most of all affectionately.

4.      Be sure to do your best to keep yourself attractive and fit – Yes, it takes a real effort to do this when you get older, but it’s important. When you take care of yourself physically and outwardly, you’re demonstrating you love yourself and your spouse especially. I have to say I’m so thankful my wife always did and still does this. Whatever clothing she wears, she makes sure it is clean, neat and attractive to me. I try to do the same for her. How sad many a marriage partner “goes to seed,” as they say, and take little to no care of themselves after marriage. The answer is, bathe every day, wear deodorant, wash your mouth, brush your teeth, comb or brush your hair. Men: shave everyday, even on your day off, dress neatly, keep you body in physical shape, exercise and diet where needed and do these things regularly -- for your spouse. This will mean a lot to your spouse. This also goes a long way to show him or her you truly appreciate them and are not taking them for granted. Lastly, an ingredient to “Love’s Best Kept Secret” is…

III. MARRIAGE IS PLACE FOR GRACE AND FORGIVENESS

You know the Bible tells us God is the God of all grace (1 Pet. 5:10 ), and a God of forgiveness (Exo. 34:7).  Since God has made us in His image it is our duty to be ‘like’ God, and to display these characteristics before those whom we love. I believe God has given us our spouses to show us what God does for each of us. Now the word grace needs defining. Biblically grace is simply, “getting what we don’t deserve.” God gives us His love, showers us with His kindness and goodness even though we are sinners striking out against Him, His Word and will. Rather than giving us what we deserve, God withholds this. Why just look at our nation that today shakes its fist in the face of God, yet God has abundantly showered America with the greatest resources, and blessings of any nation. That’s grace. Now how long that will continue I don’t know. But God wants you to show grace in your heart too. Is there something you can give your spouse he or she doesn’t deserve? Make it a lifetime work! Secondly along with grace comes forgiveness. Now admittedly, if one measures both me and my wife as to martial goodness, grace and forgiveness – my wife is superior! Yet I work at it too. I’ve never met a couple who has honestly said, we have never had any differences or disagreements. Of course you have and will have. Marriage puts together two starkly different people, who were brought up in very different ways, not to mention being a man and woman whom God has even wired our brains and thinking differently. It takes a lifetime to learn and understand the other so we might best love and serve them. So along the way we must be willing to always forgive and forget.

Now some areas of difference psychologist have found between the sexes are in what we most desire. For instance in marriage a man’s five most basic needs in order of importance are: (1) sexual fulfillment, (2) recreational companionship, (3) an attractive spouse, (4) domestic care and support, and, (5) admiration. Now studies show a wife’s five most basic needs differ greatly. For instance a woman’s desires and needs are in order of importance: (1) genuine affection, (2) meaningful (3) conversation, (4) sincere honesty and openness, (5) financial support, and (6) family commitment.

All too often a man tries to give his wife ‘his’ basic needs in his order and desire. Guys that doesn’t work! You need to respond to and accept the differences between you and meet your spouse’s needs as he or she meets yours.

Well I could go on, but “love’s best kept secret” is out now, and all that matters is for you to take hold of it and fulfill it. In so doing, like an Australian boomerang, it comes back to you. But you must initiate it first.

Now the most important ingredient of a marriage where love last forever, has yet to be told. Why? Well I saved the best for last. You see the Bible tells us if we want a marriage that will last forever, it must return to the roots from whence it came. If God is the originator of marriage, then marriage must be centered in God Himself. The Bible says,

Psa 127:1 (NKJV) “ Unless the LORD builds the house, They labor in vain who build it..”

A happy home, a blissful marriage must be built on a right foundation, and that foundation is God Himself. Yes, God wants to be a part of your marriage because when you include Him, He becomes the bond of cement that will keep you right with Him and your spouse. Say, is God a healthy part of your marriage? He can only be, in this day and age, when we recognize Him for who He is! He is our Creator, Sustainer and Forgiver of our sins. Who is this God? He is revealed to us in the Bible as Jesus Christ. Listen to the Word of God,

Col 1:16-18 (NIV)  For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. 17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18 And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy.

John 1:1-3 (NIV)  In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.

John 3:16 (NIV)  “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

1 John 3:16 (NIV)  “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us…”

When my wife and I were first married we were not saved. We had not come to know Jesus Christ personally, nor had we experienced a new heart and life to love and serve Him. Our marriage was based on our love which was strong but not strong enough. We experienced some rough times as my sinfulness exhibited itself in selfish behavior. I thank God my wife endured this and stuck with me. But thanks be to God the Lord Jesus opened my heart to His love and grace, and I responded by turning my life over to God the Son, the Lord Jesus Christ in surrender and faith. I came to realize that Christ loved me and died for me and granted me full and forever forgiveness of my sins. Well a short time after, my wife was saved also. Best of all, from that moment on, nine years after we were married, our lives began to change as we learned what God wanted from us and what we needed from each other. Indeed, it’s been many long years, but as we yielded to God’s Word and ways, our home became a ‘haven of rest, love and satisfaction.’ No we haven’t arrived yet, that remains in a place called Heaven, but we are always working towards it, and when we fail we confess it and forgive each other because we know we are sinners, and God forgave us.

When I gave the marital charge at my youngest son’s wedding earlier this year, I shared the importance of making sure God was a part of their lives and love for each other. Now I’ve shared these thoughts with you today, which I believe is LOVE”S BEST KEPT SECRET. May you implement them in your life and marriage, and most of all may God add His blessings to you through them for His glory and your sake. Amen.