Dennis L. Finnan Commentator
"The World, the Word & You! Broadcast"

FORGIVENESS IN THE FAMILY

“have you ever met a person who makes life a continuous pain FOR YOU? especially, if they’re a family member, and there seemed to be little to nothing you could do to stop it?”

 I’m Dennis Finnan, host and speaker on the World, the Word & You! Broadcast and in a moment we’ll talk about the family and particularly the problem of forgiveness …

…It is never easy to deal with people who are difficult.  Especially, when we find them a part of our family perhaps related by birth or by marriage and as a result, they become a permanent part of our lives. But, do you know friends, that family problems have been around for a long time. Why even in the first book of the Bible, there in many examples. For instance, there was Cain and Abel, the very first children born to mankind, who could not get along. Broken relationships became so severe, that one brother, Cain, rose up and killed the other! Then, there was Jacob and Esau, twins born of Isaac and Rebekah. We are told in Scripture these two brothers were even fighting before they were born. Moreover, there is the story of Jacob and his father-in-law, Laban, for many decades, they suffered broken relationships and promises. Well, these are just some of the family feuds that are mentioned in the first book of the Bible. The fact is, strife, quarrelling, hurt feelings, and painful emotions are a fact of life, unfortunately even in our own families. But, the question is how should we deal with them? Well today, I want to share with you some practical means to help you experience God’s fullest blessings in the home and family. For, it is God will and desire for families to be together in full harmony and peace.   So let’s begin,

First of all, I must say as a Christian minister, the Bible makes clear there is no home that can experience God’s blessings, or His great care and abiding love unless, it is a home built on the foundational teachings of the Word of God, with God Himself at the head and leadership of both spouses and children. Yes, the Bible says,

Psa 127:1 (NASB)  “Unless the LORD builds the house, They labor in vain who build it; Unless the LORD guards the city, The watchman keeps awake in vain.”

Now, the principle of this psalm is that all human efforts are in vain, unless they have God’s blessing. This principle is first and foremost applied to building a home.  You see, it is possible to accomplish this without God’s blessing, but it is not possible to accomplish it purposefully and with eternal value without God’s blessing. But a person who trusts in the Lord, and puts His Word and will first in the family, will find rest and peace there. Indeed, without the Lord, all domestic work is in vain. So the first question is, have you crowned Jesus Christ, your God revealed in human flesh, the Lord and Savior of your life? If so, you now have the “potential” to have a happy home and family, regardless of those difficult people who will inhabit it. Now, let’s list some things we can do to bring peace in difficult homes and with troublesome people. These principles are taken from the Word of God and apply to us all when we face situations, relationships and people who just make our lives difficult at times, or worse, a horror to behold. Now, I find in my own counseling that regardless of what problems surface, there always seems to be a common denominator. What is it? Well simply, it is a “lack of forgiveness.” Indeed, this is a constant underlying problem in almost every area of inter-relational conflict. Yes, we must remember, God did not intend the family to be merely, a group of people who are genetically related to one another.  A true family, as designed by God, is also a group of people who are bound together by love, understanding, and a covenant to care for one another and defend one another.  So, when a family functions this way, children can grow up secure and strong, able to trust other people and able to trust God, and other members can work and socialize together in a true sense of harmony and peace.  

Now let’s define some of the problems that surround feuding families. We begin with a look at what drives first of all, an “unforgiving spirit.” Family experts tell us there are at least six things common in troublesome relationships: (1) Selfishness / Self-centeredness, (2) Rebellion, (3) Carnality, (4) Ignorance, (5) Bitterness, and (6) Unforgiveness.  The Bible says,

Heb 12:15 (NASB)  “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled;”

Phil 2:3-4 (NASB)  “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.”

1 Cor 3:1-3 (NASB)  “And I, brethren, could not speak to you as to spiritual men, but as to men of flesh, as to babes in Christ. 2 I gave you milk to drink, not solid food; for you were not yet able to receive it. Indeed, even now you are not yet able, 3 for you are still fleshly. For since there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not fleshly, and are you not walking like mere men?”

The Bible identifies these problems that surface quickly in close relationships such as the family. When a family member wrongs another intentionally or not, how one reacts has a great bearing on the continuing relationship and problem. The Bible tells us if we are God’s children, by faith alone in the Person and work of Jesus Christ, we have an ability and responsibility to overcome broken relationships and the problems that ensue, and bring healing where possible. But, what stops us is often our re-action to people and events that sting us and hurt us deeply. Paul the apostle tell us,

Eph 4:31 (NASB)  “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.”

Here now are five things that can hinder or help good relationships and bring healing in the home and heart. How is it with you my friend? For starters, do you harbor a bitter and unforgiving spirit? This can be seen in any hostility you may hold towards another, or by your manifesting a caustic critical, fault-finding and angry attitude and spirit. In other cases, it can be expressed by self pity, melancholic coolness, and cold disinterest. Even more, some may react with blasting others with angry, caustic words and lastly, some seek to simply repress all such feelings within themselves, where it ultimately begins to fester and eat them alive!

Well, the Bible tells us what happens when we do these things. We begin to experience a downward spiraling action which begins to form in our lives, a hard crusty root of bitterness that destroys us and those around us. You see, it all begins with this “bitterness” we can hold against another family who has in our eyes, wronged us. And, unresolved, soon anger is spawned and spills over even in the lives of those closest to us who are not the problem. In time, this can erupt in bitter words and constant complaint, and soon even vile, and abusive words may form, and be verbalized that deeply wound others.

Finally, Scripture says “malice” erupts which is the final outcome of bitterness and an unforgiving spirit, which can also permanently break the covenant love-bond of the home and family.

What can we do about it? Well, I can tell you today, only the Word of God can be the true help for the home and heart here. Here then, are some practical thoughts to consider to have a happy home and family. So, WHEN CONFLICT ARISES AND HURT IS EXPERIENCED…

1. STOP DEMANDING THAT OTHERS MUST CHANGE, AND CONSIDER CHANGING YOURSELF – You see a Christian’s life should be characterized by unconditional forgiveness. Not that the other person is right, but that we are wrong in our reactions in light of God’s love and forgiveness of us. Have you ever tried to make this change in your own heart and relationships? Remember, we cannot change others, but we can change ourselves. Often unknown to ourselves, is the “way” we talked to others, or treated others and responded to others in our relationships. It’s always time to begin asking God, how can “I” change? What can “I” do to bring healing, peace, and harmony, even if it costs me something to do it. Therefore, we begin by accepting others as difficult as they may be, and asking God for the power and grace to do this. This always generates emotional tranquility within, and often relieves tension within and without. Accepting a difficult person or situation is the first step in exercising “forgiveness.” Secondly, we must realize…

2.  FORGIVENESS IS NOT CHEAP, BUT IT BRINGS LASTING REWARD – Yes, God set the example for us all. The entire human race has sinned against God, in Adam and Eve. Why every child born of them, which is everybody, also sins against God and offends Him daily the moment we were born. How? By our selfishness, self-centeredness, our pride, arrogance, self-will, and wickedness seen in our personal desire to be served above all others and at their expense. Yet we are told,

Rom 5:8 (NASB)  “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

To forgive us, the Bible tells us God sent His Son to die for our sins, to literally pay the price in eternity that must be extracted for our infractions, and breaking the immutable law of God for the universe which states,

Rom 3:23 (NASB)  “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”

Rom 6:23 (NASB)  “For the wages of sin is death..”

It costs God the highest price to forgive you and me, through the death of His only beloved Son, Jesus Christ. Knowing this, my Christian friend, is there any price you cannot pay for forgiving that hurtful family member, even if you are right in your evaluation of the wrongs and poor relationships? Begin here, and you, are on the road to healing and hopefully a true reconciliation. Now thirdly,

3.  YOUR FORGIVENESS MUST BE EXTENDED QUICKLY, COMPLETELY & HONESTLY -  The Bible gives us God’s plan here for this. We read in,

Eph 4:26 (NLT)  “And “don’t sin by letting anger gain control over you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry,”

Psa 103:10-12 (NLT)  “He has not punished us for all our sins, nor does he deal with us as we deserve. 11 For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. 12 He has removed our rebellious acts as far away from us as the east is from the west.”

Eph 4:32 (NLT)  “Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”

Getting even, withholding love and conversation, fellowship and friendship shows you have not forgiven that one who offended you, or caused you tears and sorrow. God says we must do as He has done for us, and that begins in our hearts, as we forgive others, especially those in our families who have caused strife, heartache and broken relationships. Now fourthly, you must…

4.  BE WILLING TO CONFRONT THE OFFENDING FAMILY MEMBER PERSONALLY WITH HOW YOU FEEL, AND WHAT SPECIFICALLY OFFENDED YOU – Ignorance and silence gets you nowhere and only extends the hurt and troublesome situation. Try to find a moment to speak personally with the family member you are having difficulty with. Don’t hold back your hurtsw, disappointments and or problem. Seek the offending party out and let them know what you have experienced and how it has affected you. In so doing, also confess your wrong reactions to it and ask them for forgiveness of such things. Then, be sure to affirm your love, care and concern for them, in spite of broken hearts and damaged emotions, and then ask them to do the same for you.  This repenting of an unforgiving spirit coupled with recognizing God’s forgiveness of you, can in almost all cases, not all, begin the healing process of many wounded spirits and hearts. Jesus said,

Mat 5:24 (NASB)  “leave your offering there before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.”

If we refuse to take these actions in such family disputes and difficult relationships, God says He’s not interested in us coming to Him for worship or His blessing. Therefore, we must…

5.  LEAVE THE OUTCOME TO GOD, AND GIVE HIM TIME TO WORK OUT A SOLUTION – Paul the apostle speaking by the power of the Holy Spirit, tell us,

Phil 4:13 (NASB)  “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”

Prov 16:33 (TLB)  “We toss the coin, but it is the Lord who controls its decision.”

As a follower of Jesus Christ, if you know Him as your personal Savior and Lord, He can empower you to do these things and give you the ability to be the answer to almost any family disruption and brokenness.

Now, saying all these things, I must close on this thought and truth. In order to forgive, it is vital and necessary to be forgiven yourself. We call all be forgiven our sins against God, but we first must know the personal reality of accepting Jesus Christ and enjoying His full and forever forgiveness of your sins and wrongdoing. This friend, is the whole and main message of the Bible to you. Scripture says to you today,

John 3:16 (NASB)  “”For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life.”

Acts 16:31 (NASB)  “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you shall be saved, you and your household.””

Eph 2:8-10 (NASB)  “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; 9 not as a result of works, that no one should boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”

Eph 4:32 (NASB)  “And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

Do you know Jesus Christ personally? I’m not asking if you go to church, or have you been baptized as a child or adult? I’m not asking do you believe in God. The Bible says, the demons do this but they tremble (James 2:19 ). I am asking if you have been reconciled to God, that your broken relationships, because of your sins, have been mended by receiving God’s forgiveness available only through the cross of Jesus Christ. Yes, God reconciles lost sinners, which includes you and me, into His great family of created beings, by offering His Son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for our sins, justly paying the price of God’s holy law, freeing us to be reconciled to God.

Friends, religion as good as it can be, and as wonderful as you can follow it, well it can never save you. But Jesus Christ can and will, if you confess your sins to Him and call upon Him to forgive you, and to restore the broken relationship you have between your Creator God and yourself.

Remember, God intended the family unit to be “one” in unity, love and relationships. Remember also, it is sin that breaks all relationships and it is grace and forgiveness that restores them. Maybe it’s time you restore a long standing broken relationship and or mend a troublesome situation by extending grace, mercy and love? God did this for you and for me, so we surely can do this towards and for others too.

Perhaps a phone call, a tender letter, even better a personal visit from you can bring forgiveness and peace once again. Begin today, by extending from your own heart, immediate and complete forgiveness. Refuse from this moment forward, to ever bring up again any past wrongs and hurts that in some cases may never be reconciled in this life. Keep your mind and heart in remembrance of God’s full, final and forever forgiveness extended to you, in spite of the fact that all of us still go on sinning against God, who wonderfully continues to forgive us again and again.

Now if reconciliation does not come from the other side, after you extend it to them, be willing to accept this as God’s way to build your spiritual character, and your love for others in spite of their failure to return it to you, and then let God work it out in His timing while He changes you into the glorious and perfect image of His Son the Lord Jesus Christ.

Yes, forgiveness in the family is a must, and it always begins with you and me. Friend, take a lesson here, God is waiting for you to come to Him, asking for His forgiveness He has already extended to you. But the problem is you don’t and can’t have it, until you reach out for it by faith in Jesus Christ as your Savior from your sins. May God grant this holy forgiveness to each and every one of you now and forever more. Amen…

… Friend, every family goes through difficult times and relationships. Sometimes it’s in the immediate family with sons and daughters, other times it is with parents, and relatives. But, when broken relationships come because of sinful actions and attitudes, be the first to be willing to forgive, and make sure a root of bitterness doesn’t grow up in you defiling yourself and all others around you. Dwell upon God’s love and forgiveness of you, in spite of all your selfishness and sinfulness before His holy presence. Then go out and forgive others, and be reconciled to them by God grace and strength. May these thoughts today help you in any and all such troublesome family relationships be it at home or in the church.

·         Radio talk #2302

·         Broadcast date: June 9, 2002

·         Speaker: Dennis L. Finnan, Commentator

·         Program: The World, the Word & You! Radio Broadcast

·         Address: P.O. Box 40133 Grand Junction, CO 81504

The World, the Word & You! Broadcast is a non-denominational ministry based on the historic fundamental evangelical interpretation of the Scriptures. A copy of our doctrinal statement is available upon request. These weekly radio commentaries are not exhaustive studies of any particular subject due to the time limit of broadcasting. Actual broadcasts can be heard in selected areas around the nation, as funding provides. Dennis Finnan has been the speaker for over 22 years, and serves as General Director.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

These transcripts are available free of charge to all who desire them. Also available are actual radio cassette tapes and printed booklets of each message. A free listing of recent messages is available upon request also.