I’m Dennis Finnan, host and speaker on the World, the Word & You! Broadcast and in a moment we’ll talk about this TERRIBLE LOSS AND ABUSE FOUND IN THE BONDS OF MARRIAGE TODAY…

…No matter who you are, whether or not you are a Christian or non-Christian we all have one thing in common – we want our marriages, personally and nationally, to work and be the source of all our happiness! However nationally, statistics in America sadly tell us this universal dream of men and women is becoming a rare find. Statistics in 2002 now show a rise in that “about 50% percent of first marriages end in separation or divorce within 15 years, according to a study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control.” Presently in the U.S. alone, “there are over 20 million divorced people since the turn of this century.”[1] Unfortunately, we can say sweeping social and cultural changes in America and other countries of the world have battered the “traditional” family as God’s Word displays it, Many today react in fear and confusion to these swirling changes around them, as the newest crop of adult Americans redefines the family and marriage itself in untraditional ways. For Christian families and marriage prospects, this is alarming and even frightening.  Now, while the prospect seems grim for two people in love to enjoy a life together in marital bliss, it doesn’t have to stay that way. After another moment of music, I want to share with some particulars concerning the breakups of marriage, especially why so many men are leaving and abandoning their mates and families… Stay tuned.

… If you spend much time these days attending the “School of Hollywood,” via television and film entertainment, one could only conclude there are few married people left in America, and any children left from these breakups are happy and well-adjusted suffering no ill effects from this catastrophic experience of abandonment. Yet the opposite is true.  Divorce means the disintegration of a child's fundamental security base. These children often experience a sense of profound rejection, abandonment, fear, and anger. Many even feel guilty, somehow holding themselves responsible for their parent's divorce. Children from disrupted households are more likely to be involved in crime, given that criminal behavior is more strongly tied to disrupted family structure than even income level. Other studies also indicate a relationship between divorce and teen suicide, drug and alcohol abuse, and poor school performances.  Next to the death of a loved one, a divorce is the most severe trauma an adult can experience. Every emotional reaction is possible for them too such as, anger, despair, guilt, depression, anxiety, fear, loneliness, and euphoria.

Yes, Hollywood now makes it the “norm” to turn out films where long-term monogamous relationships are virtually non-existent and worse, any that may exist are only among the most ignorant, prudish and boring people in the world.

The idea out today is unless your family is dysfunctional or broken up, you and your spouse is at best suffering from a morose mental deficiency. Such is Hollywood, which of course lives in the land of fairytales.

Well today I want to talk about one of the most problematic aspects of marital breakups – the fact that so many men leave and just walk away abandoning their spouses and children.

Do you know that male spousal absence is pandemic[2] throughout our country with no state being immune to the problem of absentee fathers.

·        An estimated 24.7 million children (36.7%) live absent their biological father. That means for every three children in the United States, one does NOT live with their natural father.

·        There are almost 17 million children (25%) living with their single mother. In other words, one in every four children live in homes with no father figure.

·        1.25 million (32%) of all births in 1995 were out-of-wedlock. For every three births, one is to a mother who has no marriage partner.

·        4 out of 10 first marriages end in divorce.

·        60% of divorcing couples have children (over 1 million children each year experience the divorce of their parents).

·        1 out of every 6 children is a stepchild

·        There are nearly 1.9 million single fathers with children under 18 years

·        4 out of every 10 cohabiting couples have children present, and of children born to cohabiting couples, only 4 of 10 will see their parents marry.

·        26% of absent fathers live in a different state than their children

·        About 40% of the children who live in fatherless households haven't seen their fathers in at least 1 year

·        50% of children who don't live with their fathers have never stepped foot in their father's home.

Studies today show that there are at least eight reasons why marriages breakup. They are: (1) money problems, (2) Lack of communications, (3) Accusations, blame and guilt, (4) Sexual indifference, (5) Interfering relatives, (6) Unrealistic expectations, (7) Not listening, (8) Lack of appreciation. Now all of these seem to be high on the list of why marriages break up and why many men abandon and leave their marriages and families.  But, one fact remains in all these things that needs to be addressed and that is – Marriage is a two-way street! Problems in marriage or its failure cannot be blamed exclusively on one mate, for both spouses contribute to the bliss of marriage or blister of it. Now here’s some immediate advice to women on how to “keep” that man in your marriage and home. These are tried and proven methods that are taken from successful marriages and what men have said caused them to stay married and more to continue to love their wives unto death do them part. So women and men, listen up! First of all,

1. A WIFE MUST KEEP HER HUSBAND PHYSICALLY INTERESTED IN HER – It’s that simple. When you dated ladies, you created a mystic for your man that drew him to you in the first place. It often came from the way you dressed, the way you kept your hair, the shape you were in, the perfume you used, etc. There’s no doubt about it men are attracted by the “physical” and outward aspect of a woman. Many women once they are married and have a tribe of children let themselves go, and care little for keeping that mystique about them. Now I realize, as all of us get older, our outer displays do tend to lose their luster and shape. However, all of us regardless of age unless some physical illness or injury has befallen us, can keep in shape and keep our bodies and our dress attractive. Losing weight, exercising, keeping clean and perfumed, having your hair, face, and fingernails manicured and trim, all together means a lot to a man whether he is 20 years old or 60 years old. The truth is many men leave the marriage when that mystic of feminine attraction is abandoned by their spouses. Now sad as that is, it’s a fact ladies. So take note and evaluate yourself, even if you seem to be happily married. If you fail in this area, another woman is waiting somewhere who can snag his eye and unhappily possibly his heart. Now secondly,

2. A WIFE MUST MAKE A CONSTANT EFFORT TO BE AN EXCITING AND INTERESTING WOMAN – What I mean here is dullsville after the wedding night is an ingredient for disaster. You see a man likes a woman who is interesting and interested in him, his work, his hobbies, his dreams and desires. Remember he married for the purpose of companionship, friendship and interaction. How sad when the wife goes her own way, has her own interests and friends and the husband rarely has any “communication” or anything in common with her anymore. This is a major reason for why men leave. Now how can a wife overcome this? The answer is, as much as possible be genuinely “feminine” and physically attractive, but now you must also be “intellectually” and “socially” attractive too. That means don’t be a whiner, complainer, a nagging wife, always negative, and a never laughing spouse.  Men loathe women who constantly fill this role in their lives. Know how to laugh, especially with him and not at him. Keep a good sense of humor, and remember to lighten up about yourself. While discussing problems has its place, make sure when he comes home from the job, you are not there to report all the sins of the children, and especially his failure fulfill the “honey-do” list. Chronically complaining women drive more men away from the home they once loved. Now third, here’s some further practical advice on how to keep your man in marriage,

3. A WIFE MUST LOVE TO BE WITH AND TO SATISFY HER HUSBAND – I know that sounds chauvinistic, but it’s still a fact. What originally attracted a man to a woman and vice versa, was the idea that the two could be “together,” enjoying each other and satisfying one another. It’s a two-way street, but the fact remains, many men leave when this bond is lost.  Regardless of whether you are married one year or fifty years, marriage was for companionship, fellowship and personal satisfaction. Now the Bible speaks of this in the fact that when God man Adam, he was first made a single man. During his singleness, God wanted him to desire a mate, a life companion, with whom he could share his experiences and find satisfaction. In fact, that is why God made the human race, for COMPANIONSHIP and mutual love. So many of today’s younger marriages find each mate going their own way, eating separately, vacationing separately, and even enjoying much of life apart from one another. It is not uncommon in such situations to see the two grow apart. Ladies, learn to love your husband’s hobbies, and things he likes to do. Go with him, be with him and help him in and with whatever he enjoy and likes. A man finds great satisfaction in seeing and knowing his wife loves not only him but all that he loves too. Remember the Bible says God made Eve for Adam only after he new he needed a companion to complete his life. We read in Scripture,

Gen 2:7 (NIV)  the LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.

Gen 2:18 (NIV)  The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

Gen 2:21-23 (NIV)  So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 23 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman, ‘ for she was taken out of man.”

No doubt about it, Eve was made for Adam, and Adam was made for Eve.  Not  that she should be under his foot, but by his side, enjoying and doing things together. Long term monogamous marriages are that way for such marriages followed these simple rules either consciously or unconsciously. The result was their men stayed, and loved it.

Now this is not to say all marital breakups are the fault of women! Please nothing could be further form the truth!! A man by God’s standard is to “love” his wife not because she loves him or even shows it. You see marital love is not the Hollywood style where the couple who meets instantly go to bed. God has many things to say to the man, for God is first going to help him become responsible for either the failure or success of the marriage relationship. You know whether we accept it or not, God placed the man as head of the home, and therefore it is his responsibility to see to it that his marriage works, and when it doesn’t, to correct it where possible. I personally believe that because God has made women with the nature to be a “responder,” and men with the nature to be the “initiator” – men must initiate! That means if you men want an interesting wife, you must be interesting to her. If men want an attractive wife, they must be equally attractive to her. I shudder when I see a man who let his body turn into a blob, his dress looking like he crawled out of month old a laundry basket. How can such a man think he can generate a positive response from her? Men you may blame the wife, but that blame as far as God is concerned goes right back to you!

Now what are some of the traits women look for in a man? Well here are some tips from experts. The ideal man all women look for is one that…

1. Seeks and enjoys time alone with you, without family or his buddies.

2. Loves children and takes time to be with them and play with them.

3. Is responsible with money and holds a steady job or has prospects for one.

4. Has a healthy and positive attitude of respect toward all women, especially you.

5. Controls his temper, and rarely flies off the handle when things go wrong.

6. Enjoys the same activities of you, or at the least enjoys to be with you in doing them.

Furthermore woman who stay in long term monogamous relationships do so because their husbands show the following additional traits. They are: (7) flexible, (8) able to communicate, (9) sensitive, (10) kind, (11) affectionate, (12) honest, (13) considerate, (14) even-tempered, (15) family-oriented, (16) consistent, (17) complimentary and (18) helpful. Now that’s a tall order; but not one a man cannot fulfill, if he really and truly loves his wife.

So the question is what is love? Or better yet, what kind of love lasts? To learn the answer to this can only come from the originator of all love, God Himself. Let’s look into the bible and find out what kind of love this is and why it is a lasting love. We go to the Bible and the first mention of who God is in relationship to His creation.

Exo 34:6-7 (NIV)  “The LORD, [He is]  the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, 7 maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation.”

Num 14:19-20 (NIV)  In accordance with your great love, forgive the sin of these people, just as you have pardoned them from the time they left Egypt until now.” 20 The LORD replied, “I have forgiven them, as you asked.

Psa 37:28 (NIV)  For the LORD loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones. They will be protected forever, but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off;

John 3:16 (NIV)  “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Now in these few verses of many, we discover what true lasting love is. First of all, love is not something you “receive,” from another, but what you “GIVE” to another. Again, the Bible says about God the originator of love, “The LORD, [He is]  the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness..” One who truly loves as God does, is one who gives the other who is loved, limitless supply of compassion, graciousness, even-temperedness, patience, overflowing love and faithfulness. In other words true love, loves another in spite of anything they can do or give in return. Therefore, such love is based on a commitment of the “will” rather than the heart. You see, God willed to love the human race, and when it fell in sin and disobedience, God’s love never ceased, but went on in the glorious attempt and fulfillment of saving us from the coming judgment and death that awaits all sinners outside of God’s love.

Now they’re some more teachings of what love is in the verses I quoted. We read in Exo. 34, 7 God “maintains love to thousands, and forgives wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished…” Yes, love is a two-way street, meaning it gives but requires as well. When there is violation of the trust and relationship, the generating factors in love must be withheld, until restitution is made. True love forgives when it is violated, for true love holds the other accountable. That is important, for it maintains its high value and purpose that way. The Bible says God loves us, all of us. God loves you and me, but His love that is overflowing cannot remain on us, unless we turn from our wickedness and rebellion to Him. Yes, the Creator God who is long-suffering and patient is also just. That means there comes a day and time when love spurned, rejected and abused must be severed. This is why the Bible warns us God will not stay His hand of justice against sin and sinners forever.

But while God’s grace is extended by His love, there is time for all to confess our sins and disobedience to Him and be restored to the full privileges of God’s love. Yes, while we are sinners estranged from God, He still loves us and cares for us. How do we know that? Well, the sun still shines; the rains still come and water the earth, as God provides abundant food for us all. God delays His coming judgments and Hell, in the hopes of retrieving lost sinners. Say friend have you come to God? Have you turned away from your spiritual adultery of loving other things greater than God and His Son Jesus Christ? We are all born from Adam and Eve, who were created in a covenant love relationship with God the Creator. Therefore the human race is God’s “mate.” God loves us with an everlasting love, but true love can never love without accountability of the one receiving the love. That is why God pleads with us and warns us,

Isa 44:21-22 (NIV)  “Remember these things, O Jacob, for you are my servant, O Israel. I have made you, you are my servant; O Israel, I will not forget you. 22 I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you.”

Deu 32:39-41 (NIV)  “See now that I myself am He! There is no god besides me. I put to death and I bring to life, I have wounded and I will heal, and no one can deliver out of my hand. 40 I lift my hand to heaven and declare: As surely as I live forever, 41 when I sharpen my flashing sword and my hand grasps it in judgment, I will take vengeance on my adversaries and repay those who hate me.

Mat 11:28 (NIV)  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Yes, marriage is a delicate thing, but one that can be a lasting lifelong fellowship of joy and bliss. It’s so sad these days that so many men are leaving and running away from their wives and families. Often, it is into the arms of another woman who they mistakenly find attractive, attentive, caring, interested, and available for fellowship, communion, and intimacy. Wives, that is what you are to be to your man, and your duty of love in this area never ceases as long as you are able. No man ever leaves a wife who loves him in return, who care for him, who show interest in him and the things he likes, who is available for companionship, communion and yes intimacy. The latter needs are in both the man and the woman. Just to be near each other, to touch one another to caress and be together – “ah,” that is what God intended and of course wants from each of us. Do you love God this way? Are you interested in the things God loves and likes? Are you spending time with Him in personal devotions and prayer, and in the fellowship with His body, the church of Jesus Christ? Do you love to hear Him speak? Do you hang on His every word? That’s the kind of love God wants in return for his everlasting caring love He has for you. How much does God love you and me? Enough to die for our sins on a cross, and enough to never leave you or forsake you. That’s love, and the kind God wants you to put into your marriage.

Men, love your wives as God loves us. Women love your husbands as God loves us. Together, performing in this manner by the act of the will, not emotions, your marriage will be one made in heaven, and will last for a lifetime.

Why do men leave? The answer of course is simple – sin! Sin on the part of wives failing to love their husbands as God intended, and sin of the husbands failing to be the first in such love, so the wives can respond in kind. Oh Hollywood’s version of love is the one-night-stand, but God’s version of love is the lifetime relationship based on making Him the center of your home and heart. I thank God for this being my 39^th year of wedded bliss with my bride. My wife is my love, and by God grace and His will and teaching, I continue to try to make all these things a reality in my life as I show forth the love of God for her, and for Him, my Savior. In return my wife has shown me such love and my God and Lord has too. May God grant you the help and hope here today to better your marriage, or repair it and restore it God’s way. Better yet, may it be the impetus to draw all listeners to seek God and His Son Jesus Christ for His great love expressed in His Word,

Rom 5:8 (NIV)  But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Rom 10:9-10 (NIV)  That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

That’s what Christianity is all about, receiving God’s love, and learning to give it to those whom we love. God bless you my friend in both of these needed areas of life and eternity…

…Yes, it’s a sad fact marriages today are crumbling. However they are for one reason ¾ rejection of God’s Word for life and living in such relationships to Him and our spouses. Turn back to God, embrace His Son Jesus Christ, receive Him into your heart and life, and live for Him. When you get right with God, you can be right with your spouse and family. May God add His blessings to these words for Jesus sake, Amen.

·         Radio talk # 0603

·         Broadcast date: February 09, 2003

·         Speaker: Dennis L. Finnan, Commentator

·         Program: The World, the Word & You! Radio Broadcast

·         Address: P.O. Box 40133 Grand Junction, CO 81504

The World, the Word & You! Broadcast is a non-denominational ministry based on the historic fundamental evangelical interpretation of the Scriptures. A copy of our doctrinal statement is available upon request. These weekly radio commentaries are not exhaustive studies of any particular subject due to the time limit of broadcasting. Actual broadcasts can be heard in selected areas around the nation, as funding provides. Dennis Finnan has been the speaker for over 22 years, and serves as General Director.

These transcripts are available free of charge to all who desire them. Also available are actual radio cassette tapes and printed booklets of each message. A free listing of recent messages is available upon request also.